caring

I’ve tried to get rid of you,
A few times now.
You’re not who I expected to be with.
You’re not the whirlwind romance or the ken doll I had in mind.
I keep pushing you away because you don’t fit their description.
You’re nice, and make me feel calm,
And you make me someone else,
I haven’t met her before.

No, I don’t protest,
But I still hold on to my expectations,
And they make me sick,
Even though perhaps I’ve gotten,
Much better than what I thought I wished.

And still I’m so scared.
If you’re different, how do I know who you are?
If you leave, I’ll blame myself for my decision,
And what will I tell my scars?

I really don’t understand how you ended up in my life.
So I keep thinking you should leave.
But every time I think it,
I pull you close,
One more kiss,
Cherishing you,
While you’re oblivious to my motive.
Oh please please don’t leave.
Maybe I’m just scared that I care.
And that it’s better to be the one to step away
Than to be left standing there.
And even worse, by a person who didn’t fit your scheme.

Love is way too fucking complicated,
And sometimes feels so overrated,
But you waking up next to me
Is what keeps me from over-thinking
Everything else to its extremes.
I guess you just end up being
The collateral damage to my mind machine.

I pray for clarity,
But it’s never there,
Except in loneliness,
And that I refuse to bear.
Clarity is in quitting,
In cutting people off,
In cleaning away dishes,
In choosing a very practical career,
In cutting off your dreams.
The great struggles of life,
They have no room for such a thing,
But they cause everything else,
The stuff worth waking up for.

Because walking away is easier than caring.
And caring is a violent storm,
But there you see all love and art,
And feeling of a beating heart.

(from the unpublished archive 2015)

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“So I Run”

I am a human being, but more-so a runner.
It’s all I’ve ever known.
This task is a bear, that friend is a wolf,
And they will surely attack, when I turn my back.

So I run before they see me,
It feels dangerous to stay.
The world is out to get me,
And its greatest weapon is my trust.

So I run before they have convinced me,
Before they make me think I’m safe,
But there are more animals throughout this forest,
And the danger of all keeps me awake.

So I run in new directions,
Find patches of new land,
But I’m still trapped because I know,
My supply of land will end.

There is only so far I can move,
I will never get away,
As the heaviness of my armor,
Turns my world to ever-gray.

I’m a highly intelligent creature, predator even,
Seldom close to being prey.
As prey I feel and prey I act,
When my life is bound to running away.

Can I “stop and smell the roses?”
Who’s seen roses in a forest?
But then who has seen its beasts?
I’m surrounded by small squirrels,
Whose shadows frighten me to tears.
I can be nice and I can play,
Or be wildly running life away.

A choice that sounds so easily made,
To me it seems insane.
Running is my life’s work,
My oxygen, my game,
But behind closed doors,
In fleeting moments,
A quiet thought passes.
What if, 
I simply,
stayed?