“Confessions, Part III”

On plain sight, I despise you,
Your painful awkwardness,
Your lack of worldliness,
The way you bend like plastic to my every word.

I tell myself to move away,
Because we become like the people around us.
But you seem to be the only one who stays,
So I can’t bring myself to make this change.

But it goes further than that. 

Your hand brushes against mine and I’m stunned.
Five minutes later, I’m jelly in your hands,
And more lost than Alice in Wonderland.
A spirit overtakes me and I forget who I am.
I forget that you’re not the one I want.

Eyes meet, but do their part to look away,
Passion like boiling water.
So powerful, yet wasted,
Because when I leave,
My heart will still be gray.

Then I say, “no more,”
But it drives me quite insane
To leave behind this magic state,
So previously unattained.

I make excuses:
It’s like we were made for this,
For each other.
The endless days that I have known you
Come crashing down to this higher place.
I know that I’m afraid
That perhaps, this feeling cannot be replaced.

So here I am,
Wondering aimlessly,
A philosophical mess, yet perfect in fleeting moments.
Heart heavy, body light.
Walking out through this world,
Wondering if anything was ever really “right.”

[Unpublished archive June 2015]


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