“Name’s So Sweet a Word, Yet Poison to My Brain”

Your name’s so sweet a word
Yet poison to my brain.
It’s endless nights of knowing
That you’re waking up and going
On your new day without me.
And in my mind you’re smiling,
And laughing with new friends,
While I lay awake,
A prisoner of my thoughts,
And wait for them to end.
Again.

Then when I wake up,
I might hope you sent a message.
When I see you didn’t,
I’ll get strength to be a better me.
But if perhaps I check
And I see you’ve wished me well,
Darling, you don’t know the agony,
From your care,
That I’ll be bringing to myself.

They say first love scars,
“Get over it.”
I should really listen to my friends.
Friends who aren’t you of course,
And they’re hardly the same.
Because,
I like you,
I trust you,
I love your name.
And I know I love you too,
but we can’t play this game.

“it’s going to hurt until one day it doesn’t.”
That’s my wisdom of this year.
And I say it every day
Followed by the phrase,
“Does it hurt?”

Even in the sunny days,
The answer stays the same.

But no.
This cloud is lifting.
Even if alone,
My heart is freeing.
And when I’m not tired from thinking of your name,
I start to notice my own,
And it’s something I will claim.
I notice the people around me,
still foreign and distant,
But alive and human,
Just like you.

I’m surviving this insanity
Marked by the pretty word “love.”
I owe it to myself.
I deserve to be conscious,
I deserve to be sane,
I deserve to be living,
Even when I think your name.

(From the unpublished archive 2014)

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